“Imperfection is the only perfection my dear Jack”. This was the last thing my mother ever said to me. My mother was a caring person, someone you would imagine as the perfect cookie baking grandmother… only she never had the chance to be one. She was the most hard working and selfless person I had ever known, or ever will know. I still remember her brushing my long hair across my forehead as I fell asleep as a child, the kind of relaxation and innocence I don’t think I will ever experience again.
Things in life are never certain, making plans and having them work out is nothing but a “dream”. If you can call it that… I find the unexpected to lure me into it’s fist and I don’t think it will ever let me go. It may keep me grasped tight forever.
I hate plans. I despise music without soul. I love my family and cherish my friends. I love all things mysterious, but still search for answers to all of life’s curiosities. I’m moody and sometimes a bit eccentric, but I almost never let this keep me from knowing right from wrong. I am Jack All… and I am 22 years old. We live in the small town of Cannon Falls Minnesota surrounded by churches, parks and the occasional grave yard.
As I sit in the front row at my mothers funeral I try not to let the tear roll down my cheek as I know my mother will see it and she would hate to see me upset. I can feel her presence in the room… I can smell her, and I am reminded of laying my head in her lap watching old “I Love Lucy” episodes on television. As I stare at the casket I hear mumbling and quiet tears behind me, I can’t get ahold of the situation, it feels like being in two places at once. It all feels very unreal as if at any moment I’m going to wake up to the smell of waffles and the Beatles on our record player. My mom and I loved Sunday mornings we ate waffles and listened to old Beatles records, mom knew Yellow Submarine would always get me out of bed no matter how hungover or tired I was.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, “Jack”… “Are you hanging in there?” I hear the voice of Ben, he is my closest friend and was the bassist in my old band. He’s now the closest thing I have to family. I reply without taking my eyes off my mothers corpse…“Well I guess you could say… I’m hanging in there… it’s just the rope… it’s around my neck”. Ben chuckles at my morbid joke he knows humor is the best cure all, although a little Jack Daniel’s never seems to hurt. Coincidentally John Mellencamp’s “Hurts so good” is my drunken song of choice, OK so maybe Jack Daniel’s hurts a little bit.
Ben sits beside me in silence then puts his arm around my shoulder. He starts singing “Oobla di Oobla da life goes on…” and I answer back “Na na na na life goes on…” we both smile stand up and walk to the casket. Looking down at her pasty face I try once again not to cry, grabing her cold stiff hand I kneel next to the casket and whisper…
“saying goodbye to you would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do… so I won’t do it, it would be a lie to say goodbye. I know you will always be right beside me… now you are my beautiful guardian angel. I love you and I will see you on the other side.” As a tear rolls down my cheek I feel a breeze across my forehead.
I have never realized how much my mother was a part of who I was. I now see the wonderfulness of raising a child, no matter how much pain you have experienced in life no matter what walk of life… when you have a child you are bringing in someone pure, a blank piece of paper… and you can help to write the pages of their life. As my mothers life has ended I feel she has prepared me for the beginning of my life. It’s almost as if she helped me be a few chapters ahead so I can finish my book by myself.
Walking out of the funeral home I see familiar faces looking at me as if I might console them or maybe they don’t know how to console me so instead they look as if to say “I know how you feel, I am so sorry for your loss.” I don’t have the energy to do or say anything so I just walk to my car, a baby blue 1979 Mercedes Benz, a great find I must say… It was a present from my mom when I graduated high school. There is a man probably in his late 30‘s leaning against my car, he is wearing a clean suit and dark sunglasses and holding a briefcase.
“Jack?” he says this as if he know’s me. “Yes, and you are?” He slowly takes off his sunglasses and squints his eyes…
“Excuse my timing but I do have some paperwork I need to go over with you, I am Jim Bensen your mother’s Lawyer.”
Lawyer. Now this is probably the last person I want to see. I am in no mood to talk business. I didn’t even know my mom had a lawyer. I guess thats what adults do they get lawyers, drink scotch and play canasta. But I cannot seem to remember mom doing any of those.
I look this Jim guy up and down as if he may have a gun and decide what the hell. “Well I guess we could go over it at the diner down the road, I was going there anyway.”
I open my car door and Jim gets in on the passenger side. “Nice car, you have great taste!” Jim talks as if we have been long time friends. “Thanks it was a gift from my mom, she knew me well”.
As we drive down the road I realize it’s a beautiful fall day and the sun is shining. Leaves are falling from the trees in different shades of orange and red they are getting caught in the wind from my car and making piles on the side of the road. Today is not at all like the movies with rain and thunder setting the scene, instead the storm is all internal, but I think people know it’s there. I feel at ease with this strange man in my car, sitting in the seat next to me where I have enjoyed many car rides with my mother.
We pull up to the small diner, Yum Yum’s, a familiar diner where my friend Kate works. A diner is an ironic place for such a beautiful girl to work, but not every beautiful girl is a model or an actress. Kate’s long brown hair and huge green eyes remind me of the 60’s, she’s bubbly but not to the point of ignorant or stupid. Kate is actually very smart you just have to get to know her well enough, she keeps quiet around new people, but she’s extremely witty.
Jim and I slowly exit the car and and he asks if I’m hungry. “Yeah, I can always eat.” “You?”
He looks back at me and smiles, “Coffee sounds good”.
“Well Jim your in luck they’ve got some great coffee.”
Walking into the restaurant is comforting like an old friend. The smells and people never seem to change you can always count on the same old man sitting at the counter drinking his coffee and reading the paper at nine on the dot every Sunday. The consistency is comforting, I wonder what will happen the day the old man doesn’t show up? Will another old man fill his place?
“Matt!” I hear the familiar voice call behind the counter. “I’ll be right there, you will get top notch service today!” Jim and I take a seat at an empty booth next to the window. Kate walks over Coffee and mugs in hand, knowing I could use a boost of energy. “Matt, I am so sorry I could not be there today… ”
I look at her and force a smile, “it’s fine, I am glad you didn’t. The whole tradition is hard for me to understand anyways.” She fills the mugs with coffee then looks over at Jim.
“Hi, I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself, I’m Kate a long time friend of the All family”.
“Nice to meet you I’m Jim…” He reached out to shake the hand that was not occupied by the coffee pot.
“Nice to meet you Jim! What are you doing occupying such a wonderful man on such a day?” I can see she is trying her best to act normal… this act is for my sake.
Kate knows how much I’m scared of change and this is the largest change I’ve encountered in my life, she’s probably waiting for me to freak out, to go crazy. She probably thinks I will start developing life altering ticks, ticks that I must do in order to keep some since of normalcy, to control my fear of change… fear of bad things happening.
I’m not naive enough to think tapping the door nob twice before going through will keep me alive. It’s just that I believe life works in a sequence of events. GOOD-BAD-GOOD-BAD. Each life ends with a Bad… but… not every life is started on a GOOD. Right now my life is on a BAD, my mother just died. Now I can sit here and think, now something GOOD is bound to happen. But instead I sit here scared. I am scared because beyond the next GOOD is a BAD and at this moment I cannot even imagine how I could handle anything else.
For now looking at Kate’s lovely face and bright green eyes will do. She is my only constant GOOD…
Jim look’s at me as if to ask if it’s OK. I nod and smile.
“I am… or I was, Deborah’s Lawyer, we came here to go over the will”. Kate stands and looks at her watch. “Well don’t let me bother you, I only have about an hour left anyway.” She sets the coffee pot down. Bending over she gives me a long hug, it’s warm and beyond comforting. With a hand on each of my cheeks she looks me straight in the eyes and say’s “take in this moment it’s a step into a new life. A life filled with love and joy not sadness. Now I love you and I will see you later tonight”.
I crack a half smile,“Thank you Kate, see you later.” She stands up and brushes off her skirt as if to get crumbs off her lap, “I’ll see you tonight! I’m going to stop by to watch a funny movie and drink.”
“That sounds perfect, thank you Kate.”
gratuitous. music. life. 